The parties over.....

I am tired of being tired.

I feel fat. I look fat.

I am not living the life I am set out to live. I am more that what I am right now.

The last few months I have drank accessibly which triggers tons of eating CRAP! My boyfriend and I have fallen into this cycle. It has been our way of having a FUN night. We both agree it has to stop. I am putting it out there to keep it honest. I want to compete in April but I have to get on training and eating right again.

I am connecting with me again and taking control.

Once and for all.

 



Reclaiming my life...

Man. If there ever was a bottom, I am starting from it.
Last post I was eight weeks out from second competition. I was bigger and was going to look better. But I had an injury flare up and alot of stress was going on. I told myself I would never prep for a competition under a great deal of stress again. I did the first time and it took away from the experience so much. I have used every excuse in the book to derail from my training since the spring. I have put on weight, feel tired and just very down on myself.
I know me. And me needs a goal again. I need to compete. It's the only thing that every pushed me to achieve my ultimate physique. I also need to find the balance to maintain a tight, healthy, strong body. What I am now is not me. I am months of eating and drinking what ever I want and barely going to the gym.
So..back to my goal. Atlantics is in April 2013. I have 7 months to completely transform my body. No excuses about my injury. I am going to start physio and work around it. I am going to stop drinking and stuffing my face with garbage. I am more than that. I have people that look up to me and I have been hibernating and not letting my light shine.
Time to Shine.
Beast Mode....ON!

 This was taken at start of prep this past year. Feb 2012. I love to train hard and heavy and it's so discouraging to be making gains and then with a shoulder injury and elbow tendinitis on top, it affected so much of what I could do and I had to drop the weight so low. Time to get it back! And be easy on my self.
First competition, I crashed dieted for 12 weeks. I have way more time this time around to bring it all back. I want to be that inspiration again. I will be 42 years old when I step back on stage.

It seems to have been a constant with me hitting the reset button over the last several months, BUT I keep hitting it and this time it's going to stick!! Feeling the flame inside, watch me burnnnnn!!!!

8 Weeks.

I have tried uploading progress pics but it's not workinggggg.....grrrrr

BUT, progress is being made. I am going through "not sure if I will be ready" thinking again. My coach assures me I will and I he told me before I would and I was! It really is a mental battle during prep. Understandably before me first show. I do know more of what to expect this time but dealing with some stress and wondering if I can mentally handle prep. I just want to comfort myself with FOOD!!

Big lesson learned is that if I want to another show is not to go off the rails in off season. I gained too much weight back and it's making it alot tougher than necessary.

Hopefully I will be able to add pics soon. Going to try and blog more over the next 2 months leading up to show time!! As long as I don't quit!

10 weeks! GO TIME!

So it's all getting more serious and real that I am actually doing this again. I am starting to lean out and see my muscle definition coming back. That is exciting!!!!

Before looking ahead it would seem like I had a lot of time. But I know now from experience 10 weeks is not long, it's gonna fly!! yikes!

 Training Session with my Trainer last Friday night and he snapped a few pics of my back. He is really impressed with the muscle I have put on. When he sent these to me, I got excited! It's so easy to get caught up on the problem areas and not see the good stuff that is happening. I am upping my cardio and really going to try and get a jump on the weight loss. I want to be ready earlier this time and not freaking out til the last week. I will probably freak out up the last week anyways, even if I am super ready. This is a scary thing!!

 Food prep. I really take time to make my food interesting. I LOVE to eat and am not good with bland! I had trouble with binging last time and am really going to try and stay away from doing that. This time my plan is to keep my cheats "clean". When I post my meals and stuff on FB, people often ask for the "recipe". It's no recipe, it's just a little extra time to chop and add color and spices to make it look and taste delicious!

 

I suck!

I know that is not a very nice thing to tell myself " I suck" but that is what I feel like! :( I slacked off hard this past month and diet was way off and I so feel it and see it. I am starting to think I am too far behind to be ready for April. I have been sick this past week and heading to gym tonight after not training for a week!! I am looking forward to going back and reconnecting with the weights. That's where the magic happens, that's where the body is built and sculpted. BUT most important, to show it all off, the diet has to be tight and that is what's coming up next!

 

 

I am giving myself 4 weeks and I will decide if I am going to be able to compete. It's alot of hard work and I want to be mentally prepared. If I do this show I am planning on doing one in November too and two shows in one year is hard but why not? I know I can do it if I put my mind to it. And I have to stop with the negative talk or at least lessen it. I put myself down too much and it's self defeating. I am capable of so much.

 

Believe in yourself Jillian. You are awesome and going to step on stage again at 41!! Show 'em!! Show yourself what can be done. Here's to a postive 2013 filled with growth, success and many blessings. :)

Philippians 4:13

I have been drawing closer to God lately and through him I am rising out of a dark place in my life. It's actually been one of my worst years but I see the light so bright and he is giving me strength. I want to be a vessel for him. And doing so I want the to be the best I can from the inside out!

 

I am on Day #2 of my new diet and training program and I am PUMPED!!! I am so excited to be back in the zone.  I still have to train around my shoulder. I wish I could train heavy as this is something I need to grow for the stage! But, one day at a time. I am with new trainers this time. They have a different philosophy on training and diet so I am excited to see what my body does with this! I had a great gym session today and food was spot on. Even through in some hill training with a friend, then had a tan and sat in the sauna(in my sauna pants) for 30 mins. I feel positive and relaxed.

Game on!! April 2013...here I come!

The "hill" tonight....love running on a autumn eve : )

 

 

One of my photos was posted on Bodybuilding.com!

So yesterday I wake up to a message from one of my team mates that says I am on Bodybuilding.com. I was confused because I didn't enter any contest or submit my picture for anything. Someone on there snagged one of my pics off my Bodyspace and voila...look who's #9

15 Female Physiques worth fighting for! : )

I had an awesome photographer who I did a shoot with the monday before the show. I will post two more of my favs.